I'm a people pleaser. I've spoken about this before in the newsletter.
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I have innate need for people to be happy with me. I'm resigned to not everyone liking me, but for some reason, no one can outwardly show me that.
I want to be a disruptor, I want to be unapologetic, I want to have the confidence and self-assurance of Matilda's superstar Sam Kerr in front of goal.
But instead, I find myself smiling and backing down.
I should specify, this isn't in a work setting. For some reason I'm a different person at work. This is more socially. With family, friends and acquaintances.
But lately, with the Referendum and outburst of violence in the Gaza (along with a myriad of other headlines) I've found myself choosing peace to a confrontational conversation. Even though, I don't agree with what my partner in conversation is saying.
Read other musings from Grace Ryan
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- How do we raise emotionally intelligent little girls?
- How imposter syndrome almost tanked The Catch-Up newsletter
- Help, I don't know who Timothee Chalamet is and I think I'm becoming culturally illiterate
- Why does mum guilt always lead me to Big W?
- I decided to run a half-marathon despite being overweight and a terrible runner
- The unsexy truth of postnatal rage
- Medicine and consent: Where's the line for my toddler?
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I just shrug and say "I guess everyone is entitled to their own opinion". Which includes me, right? I am entitled to my opinion, even if it makes someone else feel mildly uncomfortable, or ideally, see the world from another perspective.
This has been a long time issue. I have tried many talking therapy with a few different psychologists and counsellors and while it starts off well, I ended up just telling the professional what I think they want to hear and end up paying them for a lovely conversation.
I thought this was an internal battle, one I'm grasping with by myself.
But then I got chatting to colleagues. Seems to be a bit of an epidemic across 30ish women in the workforce.
Girls, raised in the 90s, we encouraged to "be nice" and "use manners" and "sit quietly" and somewhere along the way it became the narrative in our subconscious.
Constantly putting other people's needs first can lead to a sense of exhaustion and life dissatisfaction.
- Tanya Forster, The Catch-Up psychologist
I am now more aware of this than I ever have been before, raising a three-and-a-half-year-old who seems to pick up everything I do.
I want to raise a disruptor.
But I know I'm not modelling this behaviour.
So, like always, I've gone to someone smarter than me and asked The Catch-Up's psychologist and Macquarie Health Collective CEO Tanya Forster what she thinks about people pleasing. Here's what she had to say.
"I suspect many people can identify with this, I'm a psychologist and I've been guilty of people pleasing in my time," Tanya said.
"We want to keep the peace and avoid conflict, but the problem is, it is often at our own expense!"
These types of behaviours and feelings can stem from as far back as early childhood but tend to have a long term negative effect.
![Just two girls who admit to being people pleasers (sometimes): Grace Ryan on the left, Macquarie Collective CEO and The Catch-Up Psychologist Tanya Forster. Pictures are selfie (left) and Clancy Job (right.) Just two girls who admit to being people pleasers (sometimes): Grace Ryan on the left, Macquarie Collective CEO and The Catch-Up Psychologist Tanya Forster. Pictures are selfie (left) and Clancy Job (right.)](/images/transform/v1/crop/frm/39334uWFriQ6mZbDw7tBDLC/559b66e8-6842-42c8-8483-82c2f62a94bc.png/r0_0_1920_1079_w1200_h678_fmax.jpg)
"People pleasing can stem from a number of factors including things like our personality, self-esteem, or temperament, but more often than not, it stems from some of our early childhood experiences," Tanya said.
"People pleasing might seem ok in the moment. We avoid the conflict and don't have to worry so much about what people might think of us. The problem is, it can start to cause some problems for us personally.
"It generally means we neglect our own values, desires and goals, which might lead to us feeling unfulfilled over time, or even resentful. It can erode the quality of our relationships, as they start to become relationships built only on what the other person wants and never our own needs.
"We are certainly at risk of being taken advantage of. More than anything, over time it can start to lead to a sense of burnout. Constantly putting other people's needs first can lead to a sense of exhaustion and life dissatisfaction."
Want to know how to silence your inner people pleaser? Tanya gives us her top six tips below.
Read other musings from Grace Ryan
- Talking boobs? I'd breast get in first
- How do we raise emotionally intelligent little girls?
- How imposter syndrome almost tanked The Catch-Up newsletter
- Help, I don't know who Timothee Chalamet is and I think I'm becoming culturally illiterate
- Why does mum guilt always lead me to Big W?
- I decided to run a half-marathon despite being overweight and a terrible runner
- The unsexy truth of postnatal rage
- Medicine and consent: Where's the line for my toddler?
- What I love and hate about my weightloss injectables
1. A great first step would be some self-reflection. Try to consider why you might people please, if there are key patterns/triggers in when you generally do this, and what you hope to get out of it. Becoming more aware of what we are doing and why can be a helpful first step. Otherwise we just keep repeating patterns on auto-pilot!
2. Start to set boundaries for yourself. It is perfectly acceptable to consider your own needs and wellbeing. Of course, there will always be moments when we compromise, but spend some time considering what is important to you and where you want your boundary to be. How do you want to spend your time? Who do you want to spend it with? What do you value? What is important to you? Some of these questions might help you in figuring out what some of your boundaries need to be based on.
3. Practice saying no! This takes some getting used to if it is not something we have been doing, but practicing is the only way we will start to feel more confident! When you do say no, practice being clear in it. You chose this boundary for a reason, and it is ok to prioritise your needs!
4. Practice some assertiveness. This does not mean being angry or aggressive. Start to develop your assertiveness skills by expressing your thoughts and feelings honestly and respectfully. Over time, this will help you to be able to express your own needs, without feeling trapped in a cycle of people pleasing.
5. Focus on self-compassion. Learning to set boundaries and to break the cycle of people pleasing is not easy, but criticising ourselves will only make it worse! Instead, try practicing self-compassion. Research shows just how powerful this can be for our mood, anxiety, and self-esteem, which is bound to have a powerful flow on to our communication skills too!
6. Seek support. If you feel like you are trapped in a cycle of people pleasing, reaching out for support might be a really helpful step. Psychologists can help you with reflecting on why you feel stuck in this pattern, and give you some really helpful tips on ways to move forward and care for your own needs a little more. If you are unsure where to start, you can always chat to your GP for recommendations.
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