Domestic violence survivor and Orange councillor Melanie McDonell speaks out

Do the lives of children not matter?

Are they worth less than their 2nd Amendment 'rights'?

How can they do nothing?

We take the moral high ground and look down our noses in disgust at their hypocrisy. But we are no better.

I'm not speaking of gun reform, because the one thing John Howard did right was his swift and decisive action after the Port Arthur massacre.

What I speak of is our society's ability, and determination, to look the other way when it comes to gendered violence (which is predominantly men assaulting women), especially domestic and family violence.

Of course, we're not heartless monsters. Each time there's another assault, another woman murdered (and her child/ren) by a current or former partner we express our outrage. We demand change. We protest. We march. We conduct an inquiry, produce reports, make recommendations.

And nothing changes.

We all lead busy lives. It's very easy to return to the everyday-ness after each outrage.

I've been 'guilty' of this too. Even after my own personal experiences of sexual and domestic violence, I've tried to get on with life.

But the older I get, the more nothing changes. The more nothing changes, the more fed up I become.

I can't just return to 'normal'. And I won't remain silent anymore.

This of course is risky. The perpetrators have never acknowledged the wrongness of their actions.

By speaking up and speaking out, I risk them reacting, badly, if aware of me speaking. But this is exactly what abusers rely on. They rely on our fear, our shame. They rely on our (misplaced) feelings of guilt. But I am fed up with living in fear. I'm fed up with being abused.

At the council meeting in May I spoke publicly for the first time of being a survivor twice over of domestic violence. It was one of the hardest things I've done thus far in my life. But I had to. Violence against women is so incredibly pervasive I'd struggle to identify just one woman I know who hasn't been subjected to sexual harassment, sexual assault, domestic violence, or coercive control.

We do not talk about it. But we must.

Before the MRAs and MGTOWs scream outraged responses at me - yes, I know, #notallmen. It's true. Not all men are perpetrators of abuse. But it is overwhelmingly men who abuse women more than the reverse.

Nor is this a man-hating tirade. This is me calling out abusive behaviour, saying 'enough is enough, no more!'. We should all be rejecting toxic, abusive, manipulative and violent behaviours. We should be seeking and encouraging respectful relationships.

Unfortunately, the media as a whole has fostered a societal obsession with drama, bad news and click-baiting headlines, and we've lapped it up. In a news cycle which has reduced from 24-hours down to mere minutes, every outlet jostles for our attention.

Shows such as Married at First Sight, The Bachelor/s/ette and Love Island glamorise drama, toxic behaviour and relationships. Disrespectful treatment of women by men, with zero accountability for their actions, sets a dangerous example for the rest of society as to what is 'acceptable'.

From 'small' acts of disrespect such as talking over women and calling us 'girls', to 'mansplaining', 'hepeating' and blatant gaslighting. To the more visible acts such as cheating, demeaning put-downs, and blatantly chauvinistic remarks.

Then there's the physical intimidation - yelling, standing over, waving arms, throwing things. All broadcast for general viewing with no warnings. To top it all off, these toxic men are incentivised and rewarded for their behaviour. Instagram follows skyrocket as do their public profiles, and so too financial endorsement opportunities.

The message - men who are abusive are rewarded.

Hollywood too has long perpetuated the 'happy ending' ideal of heterosexual relationships. Every leading lady goes through the standard trials - guy breaks her heart, she has a journey of self discovery, realising she doesn't need a man to define her. Then, despite this growth, she finds someone new.

The message for women - regardless of how fulfilled and happy you may be, you're not complete without a man.

Nor do we hold high profile sportsmen responsible for abusive behaviour. Our children idolise their sporting 'heroes' and can't distinguish between on-field prowess and off-field bad behaviour. Off-field 'indiscretions' receive mere slaps on the wrist, maybe a short suspension, but eventually with a short news cycle, the legions of fans and the corporate backers win out and the player(s) return to the field.

The message - if you're famous enough and good at your sport, you get off practically scot-free.

For generations, women have been told and expected to keep quiet, not make a fuss. There are thousands of examples throughout history where women who dared to speak up were shut down and silenced. Societal systems have been constructed this way.

Women were the property of their husbands, couldn't divorce an abusive husband no matter how violent, denied the right to vote, denied the right to work once married. Women were, and are, denied access to safe abortions, and are still denied equal pay for equal work.

Even now, women leaving relationships are financially penalised. If children are involved the disadvantage is even more profound. Amplifying this is the societal condemnation, the negative stigma of the 'single mum', while single fathers are 'eligible' bachelors.

With the 'burden' of child rearing falling predominantly on the mother, she must juggle employment with childcare, school schedules and home duties. Increasing costs and reduced availability of childcare means the hours she can work are limited as are the types of jobs she can fit into her crammed schedule. Skyrocketing costs of rent, groceries, electricity, gas, petrol... women are actively disincentivised to leave their partner.

Society's systems keep women silent, in bad relationships and grossly disadvantaged. For women of colour, the disadvantage is compounded tenfold.

If they do leave, many women must fight to have the father pay child support. Even if he's forced to pay it's never enough to cover living expenses. Then there are the numerous stories of fathers who game the system and avoid paying anything.

If payments are garnished from the father's wages there's still a delay of 1-2 days before the money goes into the mother's account. If the system was truly there to support single parents the money would immediately go to the other parent.

But it is not. It's designed, intentionally or not, to keep women compliant and silent. This silence is killing us. It is killing our children. And it's setting the foundation for our children to grow up in a society not so different from a hundred years ago.

The silence is a double edged sword for men too. By not holding perpetrators accountable, by not changing the culture, we excuse the behaviour and we disincentivise positive male role models. You can't be what you can't see.

The legacy of abuse doesn't end when the violence does. The victim-survivor and her children experience deep, ingrained trauma which echoes months and years afterwards.

We're re-traumatised when we see others experience what we did, when we see victim-survivors portrayed by media in highly critical ways, whilst perpetrators are allowed anonymity or at the very least, much gentler language. Alarmingly, according to recent research 40 per cent of Australians surveyed believe women make up, fabricate or exaggerate their claims of abuse.

Anyone who has gone through, or borne witness to, the Australian legal system would never, ever believe women 'make it up'.

Twenty years ago, while at uni I needed a flatmate to help with rent, so I used the university's accommodation service (which theoretically screened all students on their database) to find one.

But the day my flatmate moved in he assaulted me. It lasted over an hour, but I was able to escape afterwards and went straight to the police.

I still don't know how I managed to drive, I was shaking so violently, but I got there and was greeted by a young, male Constable. I was finally safe, but when I told him what had happened, after pleading for help, he looked me straight in the eye and said "before we can do anything, you have to go back and confront him".

He dismissed me. Back in my car, I called mum who calmly, but firmly, told me to "go back in there and demand to speak with a female officer". I did, and the officer I got was incredible.

In a private, darkened room, she took my statement, explained next steps and made sure I had somewhere to go overnight whilst they arrested him and removed his belongings from my flat. She made sure there was absolutely no sign of him left for me to find when I returned home.

She was amazing.

But my ordeal wasn't over. When the case went to court I had to give evidence. I was spared having to see or hear my attacker thanks to appearing via video link, but I had to survive being cross-examined by his lawyer. And here is where the legal system hasn't improved, at all.

The victim is grilled, called a liar, a slut, made to seem so stupid that she "must have misinterpreted a friendly gesture". The perpetrator gets to sit there saying nothing. He doesn't get cross examined; doesn't have to give evidence. It's the victim who's really put on trial.

She must go through her statement in minute detail, from every possible angle whilst the defence lawyer does everything they can to 'catch' her in a lie. She re-lives the abuse in-front of her perpetrator and a courtroom of strangers.

Nearly 20 years after my assault, this has not changed.

So why do so many Australians believe women would fabricate claims of abuse?

Women do not get kicks from besmirching the good names of innocent, hardworking men.

In fact, ABS data shows 80 per cent of women who have experienced violence from a current partner have never contacted police, while 58 per cent of women never contacted police about the violence perpetrated by their most recently violent previous partner.

Why would we? Why would we choose to be interrogated, accused, shamed, belittled and gaslit?

Even after our "day in court", even if the perpetrator is found guilty, our trauma isn't tied up in a nice neat bundle of closure. Whether we're aware of it day to day, those wounds, those scars are with us for life. We're forever changed.

But we get on with life, re-enter society or the 'dating pool', because society doesn't tolerate single women. For there must surely be something wrong with a woman who doesn't want, or can't 'keep', a man. Older single women are spinsters, shrivelled, sour old crones with 12 cats; while older single men are bachelors, independent, eligible. These views are so deeply ingrained in our subconscious few of us are even aware of it until forced to confront it.

Although changed, the ability to 'magically' detect abusers from afar still somehow eludes us. Yet this is precisely what society expects of us. When the next abuser attacks, we're met with judgemental accusations "didn't you learn last time?", "you must be the problem", and even worse "you obviously asked for it".

What people fail to acknowledge is that abusers are exceedingly skilled at hiding their toxicity. They know if they treat you as they truly want to, if they demeaned, isolated and abused you from the beginning they'd never be with anyone.

Abuse is subtle, gradual and insidious. It's incredibly hard to identify if you're not used to spotting the signs. And it's not the job of the victim to identify and avoid the abuser - it's the abuser's job not to abuse in the first place. It's society's job to hold all abusers accountable.

May was Domestic and Family Violence Awareness Month but we need more than one month.

Women are still being murdered. We must continue demanding real action, every day of the year.

Support and encourage men who call out toxic behaviour. Help our boys to grow into respectful men. Know that it is ok to speak up. It's ok to call out toxic attitudes and behaviours. It's ok to ask for help.

Speak up. End the silence.

Reading this on mobile web? Download our news app. It's faster, easier to read and we'll send you alerts for breaking news as it happens.

Download in the Apple Store or Google Play.