In tough times - actually, scratch that, at all times - I lean back on the Simpsons to make sense of the world.
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Dealing with the madness which is coronavirus is no different, and relies on plenty of Simpsons memes.
To describe what's happened in this illustrious column this week, however, why there's only one quote for the job.
Homer: "All bad news and no sport make sports journalists go something something."
Marge: "Go crazy?"
Homer: "Don't mind if I do!"
Last week, my colleague in Dubbo Nick Guthrie sent me a link to a work of fiction which blew me away, called Football 17776 by Jon Bois.
I won't spoil any of it because in these trying times of isolation I can't recommend reading it enough, even if it is absolutely bizarre at times, but it speculates what American football may look like 15,000 years into the future.
It got my mind ticking - how could we make sports adapt and change to the situation around them? And more specifically, how could we adapt sport to help overcome restrictions around coronavirus?
The answer is we can't and we shouldn't because you - yes, you reading this - should be staying at home and not leaving the house unless it's to buy food. Stay at home.
However, what's to stop a sports writer from going absolutely mad imagining the game-changing rules which could be brought in to help fill the void of what more and more likely looking like a year without sport.
So, without further ado, here are the rule changes I, an individual who is completely unqualified as a sports administrator or a medical expert, would do to make 100 per cent coronavirus-safe sports if such a thing existed.
Rugby league
They've already invented it for a different sport, which I still maintain is the greatest sport of all time: bubble soccer.
As someone who's played it, take me at my word when I say it's the most enjoyable sport in existence. Holy moly.
The more I think about it, the more I'm confused as to why this isn't the default version of all sports? You get your own self-enclosed bubble, which is warm and keeps the weather off - tick.
You can play full-contact sport during a pandemic, and if everyone wears skins or tights or yoga pants there's no exposed skin - tick.
Very few injuries from huge physical hits - tick.
You can send people absolutely flying - BIG TICK.
Can you imagine Josh Starling running down the wing only to be collected and bounced into the grandstand at Wade Park by, say, Duncan Young on the last line of defence?
But what about the ball, I hear you ask. How do you pass it when your arms are trapped in a big balloon?
Simple - take the ball away. You score a try if you get more than five of your on-field 13 over the line. How do you go about doing it? Does it turn into an extravagant British Bulldogs? Does it become more like schoolyard game octopus, where you'd send decoys? Do you fan out? Do you rush together?
I don't have the answers, but by gum do I want to find out.
Also - goals are still happening here, but without a ball your designated kicker is aiming to kick your lightest player through the uprights.
Sure, it might not be physically possible but it'll be funny to watch people try.
Rugby union
I've never played rugby union, but standing on the sidelines of Pride Park in the middle of winter, with the snow falling and watching rolling maul after rolling maul through the mud, I can't say it's my favourite sport to watch.
To be honest, it kind of looks like trench warfare, which is exactly what I'm turning it into under this new tyrannical regime where someone's weirdly made me minister of sport following a coup?
Anyway, everyone on the field gets a paintball gun.
You get hit with a paintball? Back to the trenches with you - and by trenches I mean your own 20-metre line.
You place a whole load of wooden barriers on a rugby field, and split them up and so there are a bunch of gaps between them, throw some barbed wire around the place and dig a few holes and fill them with water.
If you saw the film 1917 - the set of that would be perfect if you could drop it onto, say, Endeavour Oval.
Line each side off on their try line, one side kicks the ball over to the other and the rugby begins.
You get hit with a paintball? Back to the trenches with you - and by trenches I mean your own 20-metre line.
The ball gets hit? That's a turnover. You drop the ball, everyone goes back 30 metres or so, the other side picks it up and begins their assault.
Suddenly, a slow-moving game of crawling through the mud while tactically searching for a weakness in your opponent's defence turns into a slow-moving game of crawling through the mud while tactically searching for a weakness in your opponent's defence. Done. Next!
Netball
By participation rates is neck and neck with football (soon to be known as bubble soccer) as the most popular sport in town, but - as anyone who has seen a game of division one can attest - is far more physical and dangerous than you'd think.
You know what else is universally popular but also more physical and dangerous than you'd think? Pool noodles.
You're no longer allowed to touch other players, but are permitted to go ham with pool noodles to knock them out of the way.
We'll replace the ball with an inflatable one, too, which basically turns netball into lacrosse.
If you get an obstruction called against you, you get put straight into quarantine as netball umpires and police officers finally become basically the same thing with the same job.
Australian Rules
A game after my own heart, which is why I've placed it fourth on the list of sports despite it probably not being the this high up on the levels of importance.
But Aussie rules is a tactical game, with players moving all over the ground and the ball regularly ping-ponging from one end of the ground to other, and one side of the ground to another.
If you look at it from top-down, I imagine it would almost look like chess, if chess was played on an oval.
So let's just formalise it, Aussie rules is now chess. Done.
Football
Soccer is the same sport, but now with 100 per cent more bubbles encasing players, and as such it's now 100 per cent better. Fight me.
Hockey
Make everyone's sticks three metres long, and give everyone three of them.
You can't physically be that close to the ball while trapping it or controlling it, and by extension neither should your opponent.
However, this doesn't quite guarantee a 1.5m distance between players, but if you force players to hold two other sticks at the same time, suddenly they're got something to swing around and keep people at bay.
Stick on person contact is now allowed, meaning hockey becomes more a gladiatorial blood sport than anything else, massively increasing its popularity.
Tennis
We already have a coronavirus-safe version of tennis.
It was released in 2006 for the Nintendo Wii and it is the only form of tennis I think counts, namely because I'm completely incapable of serving in real tennis and resent the sport because of it.
Now is the time for it to take its rightful place as the true version of the sport.
Astley Cup
Nerds, this is our time to shine. The Astley Cup can finally get with the times after nearly a century of following the model of old, traditional, physical sports and re-brand as an inter-school E-Sports championship.
Send 33 kids from each school into the Fortnite Bus and let them duke it out. Do some Minecraft PvP maps. Pull out the old Crash Bandicoot. Pokemon battles. World of Warcraft is still a thing, yeah? Do times speed runs of Mario 64 levels. Can you do Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing competitively? Let's find out.
The gaming world is the Astley Cup's oyster.
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