Matt Findlay, Nick McGrath, Max Stainkamph and Nick Guthrie have all had a look at the upcoming series, and given out some bold predictions too.

I'm filthy on Ireland.

I've not been there but I hear wonderful things about the country itself and the Irish people I've met have never been offended when I've inevitably taken the piss out of them with a terrible attempt at an accent, so that's positive too.

But I'd largely planned to write on some of the great things Ireland's given us - potatoes, Guinness, leprechauns and Gerard Butler, for example - than anything else because based on the opening days of Ireland's one-off Test against England I'd deemed the Ashes irrelevant, an Australian win was a foregone conclusion.

By the way I meant Gerard Butler in things like '300' and 'Law Abiding Citizen' too, by the way, and definitely not the 'P.S, I Love You' version.

Gosh darn you for creating unrealistic expectations for men worldwide Gerard, gosh darn you.

Back to the cricket - after having Joe Root and his tea-toting band of crumpet-coveters on the ropes, Ireland decided to go and produce a choke of Greg Norman proportions and get bowled out for just 38 and lose.

I'd locked England's post-game press conference into my diary, despite the fact he's a wonderful bat having the rare opportunity to watch Root answer questions about why his side couldn't beat one of world cricket's minnows would've brought me so much joy.

Instead I was left dejected, disappointed and desperately searching for some inspiration for this column.

Where did I find that inspiration, I pretend to hear you asking?

YouTube, that's where.

With sorrow in my heart and discontent engulfing me I typed five words into the search bar as quickly as my oddly-small, sausage-like fingers would allow, five words I knew would bring me all the joy in the world - 'Ricky Ponting pull shot montage'.

WATCH: Ricky Ponting in full flight, possibly the best 18 minutes and 23 seconds of your life ...

The former Australian captain propping onto his back foot, swivelling and creaming cross-bat rockets to and over the boundary time and again for the next 18 minutes and 23 seconds and 18 minutes and 23 seconds more more immediately afterward, wrenched me out of my funk.

And so, we reach this point, hours away from the beginning of the first Test following the Australians' disappointing World Cup exit at the hands of, sigh, England.

Australia's squad announcement was once again met with intense scrutiny over a couple of those given an Ashes berth. As you'll see in Nick McGrath's column, one of those is Peter Siddle.

I'm actually okay with Siddle's selection. Remember his Boxing Day, birthday, Ashes hat-trick? Watch that with the Titanic music over the top of it and try and tell me it's not the greatest Celine Dion-based content you've ever seen.

That's reason enough for him to get picked, for me.

Smith, Warner and Bancroft are back and the two former will have to score a huge portion of Australia's runs because the middle still looks pretty brittle to me... on that note, bring Ponting back to bat at three.

Heck just get him in whites. Seeing Ponting kitted up with Baggy Green on would leave any Englishman trembling in his spikes, and it'd warm my heart, along with probably spawning some confusing, lustful feelings as well.

On a serious note it's actually quite hard to predict, this series.

Heart says Australia and head, unfortunately, probably says England based on the fact it's over there, but Pat Cummins and James Pattinson could win this series on their own if they fire.

Let's get this out of the road straight up, Australia wins this series 5-nil - as a McGrath, it's customary to predict a whitewash.

But the unwavering confidence built into my DNA wobbled a touch late last week when the 17-man Ashes squad was named, more specifically when one name was read out.

Peter Matthew Siddle.

It's spine tingling, but in a bad way.

I got the sort of nervous quiver you get in third grade when you walk out to bat and the opposition skipper tosses the ball to a first grade quick with more representative caps than you have runs that season, but he's playing down a grade or two on the proviso he 'bats at eight and won't bowl'.

That was never going to happen, that first grade quick is far too worried about his MyCricket stats to ever let a third grade skipper tell him he's not needed. Spare me.

Just like the Australian selectors should spare us all. Peter Matthew Siddle ... come on.

Look, he's got a heart the size of Uluru and I'm sure's Siddle's a brilliant bloke, banana obsession aside, but he boasts a bowling speed more pedestrian than a zebra crossing.

Give me an over against Siddle and I'm confident I'd not only survive but also comfortable enough to get down on one knee and lodge one over cow corner, Steve Waugh slog-sweep style

It'd only be the third six I've ever hit, but I'm a big chance against Siddle.

So if not Siddle, then who to join Pattinson, Cummins, Starc, Hazlewood and Michael Neser in the fast bowling cartel in England?

With 50 wickets at 22 apiece in last summer's Sheffield Shield Jackson Bird can count himself unlucky and Chris Tremain has taken more domestic, long-form wickets than any bowler in the past four seasons, he took 45 last summer to lead Victoria's title.

Really, anyone bar Siddle.

Although we do need to consider lime Koola his ratio skills, in fact I'm assuming they're the best in the Australia because he's being lifted from his County side for six-week holiday providing drinks.

As for the actual cricket, I think the duke ball will run amok and low scores are on the cards. Any first innings total above 350 will just about win a Test match.

Do we think Steve Smith's capable of scoring 50 per cent of Australia's runs - he just made need to.

Aussie captain Tim Paine's had to do it all over the past 12 months - be captain, be the anchor after numerous batting collapses all over the globe, and be the wicketkeeper - which isn't so much a job of catching a ball but a job of unnerving the batter with banter.

The banter here is crucial.

Let me be crystal clear - there's no such thing as wicketkeeping banter which is good by the standard of any other banter. It doesn't exist. Wicketkeepers are awful people and we should never treat them as the equals of the other 10 men or women in the team, unless they're Adam Gilchrist.

However, the fact wicketkeeping banter is so awful is what makes it essential in any good side. In a similar vein to Vogon poetry from the Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy, it is so awful - so very bad - that is completely distracts the batter from their primary task of, well, batting.

Paine's keeping banter is garbage. Not in the sense where it's bad, in fact - the opposite. Paine's is the only wicketkeeping banter which doesn't make me want to drive screwdrivers through my ears. If I don't want to scream at broadcasters to turn the stump mic down, I doubt Joe Root will be put off.

So, we need to select Matthew Wade as a specialist chirper. I don't care how many bazillion runs he's scored in the Sheffield Shield, we need the "niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice Gary" factor back - pronto. We need his awful banter to make Joe Root stop and think about how, even at the top level of one of the most popular international sports in the world, he can still have his genitalia insulted by an angry man he's never met who's five-foot-three and hates his guts for no apparent reason.

Hell, pick Alex Carey too. Bring him into the squad, flick literally anyone else. He seems like a nice bloke, but he's still a wicketkeeper at heart. Bat him a six, stick him under Joe Root's lid and let the banter flow.

Pete Handscomb missed out but he should've got a gig because he owns a spare pair of gloves. He may average 6.77 for the series and score all his runs through the slips or overthrows, but by gum if he's dragging down the averages of all these Eton pricks then get. him. in.

Re-do the whole squad, else we're toast - Bancroft keeps in Twenty20 so we'll take him, but otherwise there are three too few wicketkeepers in the squad of 15.

I can only assume their non-selection is due to a lack of long sleeved tops, as everyone knows wicketkeepers lose their powers when wearing short sleeves.

Besides, what's the point of picking good batters when they're going to collapse and wind up back in the sheds anyway?

Steve Smith is back, which means Paine and Cummins don't have to score 60 per cent of our runs and rebuild when we're 6-80 - hopefully we'll be 6-180 instead off the back of Smudge creaming Stuart Broad through midwicket.

I mean all of this is academic anyway, if the World Cup's anything to go by we're only going to see three days of play and 22 days of highlights from old series as the English rain set in, which hopefully includes a full replay of the 2007 Ashes Series.

In the end, isn't that the only thing any of want to be watching at 3am while covered in the remnants of microwave dinners and chocolate wrappers anyway?

Of course it is.

Let's have a look at some statistics.

That's right, I'm taking this thing damn seriously.

England have played one more Test match than Australia this year, that one against Ireland.

Remember it? Don't let the final result allow you to forget England failed to make 100 in their first innings there - hilarious.

But I digress, in those four Tests this year the leading run-scorer is Joe Root with a measly 210 runs at an extremely average average of 26, nothing to be afraid of there.

The leading wicket-taker? Moeen Ali with 15.

That's right. Moeen Ali. The part-time spinner who took just five wickets in five whole Tests during the last Ashes series. The series Australia won four-zip. Good times.

So what do those statistics tell us? That we're going to win, and win comfortably.

England are failing to score Test match runs and they're relying on Moeen Ali to be their major threat with the ball. Sounds good to me.

The entire English cricketing community has spent the entire past four years focusing on a World Cup on home soil and congrats to them, they won ... on a technicality.

Poor New Zealand, the insanely likable Black Caps just can't catch a break when it comes to World Cups.

Back on point, England has clearly forgotten that patient and dedicated approach needed in the Test arena.

Moeen Ali might be fine at drying up runs in a one-day game but after four dots in a Test match returning hero Steve Smith isn't going to miss out on the one loose ball.

Four an over from Moeen all day? Yes please.

Elsewhere, Stuart Broad is going to do what Stuart Broad does with the ball - be pretty pedestrian outside of one wonder spell that'll have English fans inevitably claiming he and Jimmy Anderson are a better duo than old' Queen Lizzy and Prince Phillip.

I'm not having it.

They're getting over the hill now and we'll handle them with ease at the top of the order and then I think Travis Head will go berserk against our friend Moeen later in the innings.

Justin Langer's signalled his intention to pick James Pattinson which is excellent, he and Pat Cummins will terrorise the Poms the Dukes ball and if Joe Root wants to go at 26 an innings this series I'm not going to stop him.

Plus, we've got Nathan Lyon. The GOAT.

He'll show Moeen what it means to be a front-line spinner.Australia to win the series.

Travis Head to a be a real breakout star and Pat Cummins to be running for Prime Minister before the year is out.

Oh and lastly, England failed to make 100 against Ireland and we're the ones who hold the Ashes.