SELECTION ISSUES WON’T HELP DAWID OR POMS
By MATT FINDLAY
Question marks, everywhere.
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No, I’m not talking about Jim Carrey’s Riddler outfit in 1995 classic Batman Forever – one of the great terrible movies, that.
I’m talking everything Ashes.
Will Ben Stokes end up on our shores? Why did Tim Paine get picked? Who does Shaun Marsh have photos of? Why doesn’t Joe Root age, ever? Which sunscreen company is sponsoring Jonny Bairstow? Who the heck is Dawid Malan, and is his name the result of a spelling error from whomever filled out his birth certificate?
Seriously, is Dawid a name?
There’s countless uncertainties leading into the Brisbane Test, but there’s one absolute definite – somehow, the Sheffield Shield is still wildly important but has also been made completely, and painfully, redundant at the same time.
The domestic game is broken, and it’s hardly a coincidence Australia’s inconsistencies at Test level began the moment the Shield started transforming from the hostile, no-holds-barred pressure cooker it used to be, into the glorified catapult for those selectors predestine to be Test players that it is now.
Look at last week’s selection rollercoaster.
Cam Bancroft, Shaun Marsh, Tim Paine, Glenn Maxwell, Hilton Cartwright, Matthew Wade, Peter Nevill – for some Shield form meant everything but for others it meant absolutely nothing.
Cam Bancroft’s selection came on the back of a mountain of runs – the way it should be.
He’s banged that door down and now, rightfully, gets his crack.
Marsh didn’t, but gets his eighth shot in the Test cauldron anyway.
He was picked in favour of number six hopefuls Maxwell and Cartwright because, and a number of people have said this, he’s in the best form of his life.
And yet he’s only averaged a somewhat adequate 39.33 so far this summer in long-form cricket, hardly kicking the door from its hinges. Maxwell’s average is 40, but he’s seen to be struggling – make sense of that.
Wade and Nevill were told their Test hopes would be based on their Shield form, but then Paine got picked despite only playing one of three games for Tasmania and not even taking the gloves in that. He was good for the Cricket Australia XI, but even so, it’s still a tough sell.
Don’t get me started on the treatment of Ed Cowan either. Despite being the same age as Marsh he’s been branded too old, and is now Australian cricket’s equivalent of the old man who yells at clouds – obligatory Simpsons reference, check.
He was the best-performed batsman in the competition last summer, averaging 73.76, and has averaged 48.27 across the past four seasons.
But he’s not even considered, he’s not even in NSW’s team anymore.
Long gone are the days when players had to do more than just score a ton to be considered, Jamie Siddons must spend every summer crying in the foetal position.
Wait… this was supposed to be about the Ashes.
So, here goes – Australia to win, Usman Khawaja to lead the runs and Josh Hazelwood the wickets, Bancroft to ton up on debut, Bairstow to go through 48 bottles of aloe vera gel and Chris Woakes to be England’s best. Stokes’ll be here mid-tour too.
Here’s another certainty, until the first Test starts on Thursday I’ll have the same 18-minute montage of Ricky Ponting pull shots – all hail Lord Punter – on repeat. That really gets me in the mood… for cricket.
FINDLAY’S PREDICTION: Australia to win 3-1.
ENGLAND TO WIN … THANK ME LATER
By NICK McGRATH
I started a column similar to this in 2015 by following uncle Glenn’s penchant for fearlessly predicting whitewashes and so a 5-0 result in Australia’s favour was printed on these pages two years ago.
And like clockwork, we lost the Ashes 3-2.
So, in a bid to help Steve Smith return the urn, I’m going to go all-in on the Poms and try and sink Joe Root quicker than Dave Warner at a Birmingham bar at 2am.
I’m predicting disaster: England to win.
Let’s say emphatically: 4-0.
Wins, some big, some close, in Brisbane, Adelaide, Melbourne and Sydney, while Australia doesn’t nab a game.
I’ll pencil Perth in as a draw as the Fremantle doctor deserts the Aussies in their hour of need.
Naturally, the fall-out will be devastating for Australian cricket.
Shaun Marsh will again be dropped.
Steve Smith will then face a mutiny, with a push for Marsh to be reinstated in the Test side for a ninth time, and be made captain.
Mitch Marsh will secure the six spot in the batting line-up for the next half-a-decade after scores of 4, 16, 31, 0, 1 and 2 playing grade cricket in Perth.
There’s potential in that knock of 31, even if it comes off 203 balls in second grade.
Australia’s pace trio of Hazlewood, Starc and Cummins are all rested, indefinitely, after playing three games in three months.
Joe Mennie to take the new ball.
Tim Paine actually proves a half-decent option with the gloves, but is ousted after Nathan Lyon makes public serious concerns over the Taswegian’s lack of love for every second off break - nice, Gaaarrrryy.
And, the final nail in the coffin for Australian cricket: 94-year-old Ian Chappell takes three-and-a-half hours to announce he’s signed another 20-year deal with channel nine, subjecting the cricket-loving public to more references of cricket in the 1970s, how he would captain a side, a short three-session long giggle about Sir Garfield Sobers once hitting some pommy spinner for a six so big they’re still looking for the ball ... followed by what is a seemingly eternal ‘oh, well, ahh’.
Lawry forever, Chappelli never.
But back to the cricket, the victorious Root is knighted and messrs Bairstow, Crane, Woakes and Stoakes all earn some form of MBE after leading the English to their sixth Ashes win in eight series.
Let’s face it, if Paul Collingwood has an MBE after doing basically nothing in 2005, we’re all a shout.
There you have it. I reckon that should just about do it.
You can now take to the bank Steve Smith averaging 100 for the series, Australia’s pace trio each taking 25 wickets, and playing in all five games – how good will that be to watch - and Ian Chappell’s stint in the commentary box being shorter than Stuart Law’s time in a baggy green.
Really, we’re probably talking about the most dominant Ashes win by an Australian side since the halcyon days of McGrath, Warne, Ponting and Gilchrist – speaking of, anyone remember that ton at the WACA in 50-odd balls. Bring back Gilly.
Who am I kidding. I’ve talked myself out backing those toffs from the motherland.
God save Joe Root.
McGRATH'S PREDICTION: Australia 5-blot.