Celebrating the worst in film, the Golden Raspberry Foundation (of which I am proud member and voter) will award the Razzies, gold spray painted plastic trophies worth $7.50 each, to cinematic clunkers and wooden performances that have horrified audiences over the past year. I’ve just submitted my voting form so here are my choices from the cream of the rancid crop.

My worst picture: Battleship. I would only play a board game if there was nothing else to do. And that includes sleeping, pushing hot needles into my eyeballs and watching that Gangnam Style music video again. I feel very much the same way about movies that are based on video games and feature robots onscreen. By this I mean Brooklyn Decker and Taylor Kitsch attempting to act and Liam Neeson in permanent grizzled mode, not the Transformers-style robot baddies.

My worst actress: Kristen Stewart. Ah, the many facial expressions of K Stew  There’s bored. And, well, that’s it. The fact that she was outacted by a bizarre CGI head stuck on a baby in the last instalment of the Twiglet saga and made Chris Hemsworth’s attempt at a Scottish accent seem competent in Snore White and the Huntsman, means that the gong should go to this dynamic, versatile actress.

My worst actor: Eddie Murphy. Why does Eddie keep going back to the turgid family friendly well? Two words: contractual obligation. His latest disaster A Thousand Words mercifully bypassed Australian cinemas but can be found in a bargain bin near you. Murphy plays a slimy literary agent whose interactions with a spiritual guru result in the appearance of a magical tree. For each word he speaks, one leaf falls off the tree. When the final leaf falls, who cares? Cherish your family blah, blah, blah.

My worst supporting actress: Brooklyn Decker. Former model Ms Decker followed up her nomination in the worst screen couple category (alongside Adam Sandler) at last year’s Razzies for Just Go with It, with a dual nomination for her wooden efforts in Battleship and pregnancy comedy What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I couldn’t bring myself to see the latter movie. I suppose I knew what to expect: dross. I do, however, like What to Expect When You’re Expecting for its assistance with my word count.

My worst supporting actor: Liam Neeson. How do you follow up the laughable  but action packed The Grey and the action packed but laughable Taken 2? Why not reprise your role as Zeus in the beardtastic Wrath of the Titans and play the humourless Admiral Shane in Battleship? I guess we all have to eat. Shakespearean actors Vanilla Ice and David Hasselhoff are also nominated in this category but nothing compares to a great thespian knowingly slumming it in terrible films.

And the rest...

My worst screen couple: Robert Patterson and Kristen Stewart (Twiglet).

My worst director: Peter Berg (Battleship).

My worst screen ensemble: The entire cast of Battleship.

My worst screenplay: Battleship.

There goes my sponsorship from Hasbro. The winning losers will be announced on Oscars eve.

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