Stop Press: Denis Gregory

Immigration Minister Peter Dutton wants to toughen up our citizenship test to better promote Australian values. He needs to know whether new citizens will be true-blue or a potential danger to our way of living.

Plentiful Paths: High grass like this in Botanic Way could be replaced with a crop of spuds.

Plentiful Paths: High grass like this in Botanic Way could be replaced with a crop of spuds.

Questions now include what happened in Australia on January 1, 1901, what’s a referendum, what’s the role of the governor-general and who maintains peace and order in Australia?

If the minister wants to promote Australian values, here’s some questions that would really test newcomers to our shores.

(1) What’s an ankle biter? A dingo, a shark, a kid under two or a chain saw.

(2) Where’s the big smoke? A bushfire, a large city, a fireplace or a pile of wood.

(3) Where’s Woop Woop? Near Orange, where the crows fly backwards, at an outdoors pop concert or past the back of beyond.

(4) What’s an outdoor dunny? Somewhere to watch shooting stars, an amphitheatre, a native bird or something Orange needs.

(5) Where’s the black stump? The beginning of nowhere, in Robertson Park, on the way to Woop Woop or in Bunnings.

(6)  What’s a doover? Is it a thingummy, something without a name, mayor John Davis’ gavel or a thingamabob.

(7) What’s a pothole? Is it a damaged saucepan, a mine shaft, something on Orange streets or a bird-watching hide.

These sorts of questions would weed out undesirables and make it easier for immigration officials to decide the dinky-di people to let into the country.

Wiley Weeds

A Narrabri cotton researcher fed up with weeds growing on the footpath outside his home planted a crop of wheat and has just harvested about 20 kilos of grain. He reckons it’s enough to make a few loaves and he’s now deciding whether to grow sunflowers or sorghum next. Orange people could follow suit and turn our footpath verges into wheat or canola fields because many of them badly need mowing, particularly in front of empty houses. So, with dozens of kilometres of verges that need mowing, crops like wheat, spuds, tomatoes and corn would at least keep the fire hazard down and, just think, could be a money spinner for owners.

Re-run Rubbish

The repeats, junk shows and old movie re-runs are well and truly flowing on TV, including the annual boring stuff from New Zilland like Motorway Patrol thet’s about coppers chasing and cetching speeding druvvers around Auckland. In an episode the other night the cops nabbed a druvver who hed a bint numberplate while another was pulled over because he hed no tail light. End triffick hed to be weved around a broken down cettle truck to avoid a car cresh. It’s hardly ruveting stuff. But all our stations are averaging as many as 15 repeat shows each a day, which is absolutely pathetic. They turn off on us, we should turn off on them. It’s all very sed.

Business is back

Most of the city’s businesses re-opened after an extended Christmas-New Year shutdown. But some services are still on holidays. People have found it almost impossible to get a haircut, see a solicitor or accountant, get a dripping tap fixed or have the car serviced. Even the Post Office had a seven-day break over Christmas and New Year. Is this annual shutdown really necessary?