THERE must be times in Prince William's life when he sits back on his little pretend throne, slips on the cardboard crown he got at Burger King and wishes for the good old days.
Instead of shouting ''Off with their heads!'' he has to cop it sweet while his wife goes to war with his brother in New Idea, his father and mother-in-law tell him to stay out of Australia in Woman's Day, and the girl who helped disgrace his house speaks out in NW.
''William told Harry he needed help,'' Woman's Day reports, when what he probably really wanted to say was: ''You, me, car park now. And bring a sword.''
Ditto with Camilla Parker-Bowles-Mountbatten-Windsor, nee Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, aka The Duchess of Rothmans and the Baroness Tanqueray, aka his stepmum, who apparently pulled rank to stop him and wife Kate Middleton visiting Sydney next year.
''William and Kate were devastated,'' an insider reports in New Idea. Devastated that until a few generations ago he'd have been able to sort that out with goblet of ''special'' wine. Ah well, at least he's not David Beckham, who apparently can't even be in the same room as a girl without being accused of having an affair with her.
''Rocked by scandal'' says Who, with claims there's a ''Becklash'' against opera singer Katherine Jenkins for her role in what she ''vehemently denies'' was ever an affair. ''There is not one jot of truth to any of it,'' a Beckham spokesman agrees, yet there they are, all over the magazines.
Lisa McCune on the other hand, seems to be happily in love with two men, one her husband and the other someone else's, if New Idea is right. ''The actress is torn between two men,'' they assure us, ''proving'' it with pics of her holding hands with husband Tim and co-star Teddy Tahu Rhodes.
What's going on? Who knows. Even New Idea admits to having no idea. ''Lisa's love life is proving more dramatic than any TV script,'' they say, and that's possibly true, but it's certainly not stranger than reality TV, with NW reporting that Snooki from Jersey Shore has filmed every second of the birth of her ''little meatball'', son Lorenzo, and may be airing it (so to speak) in her series Snooki & JWoww.
Please let that be just a rumour. And finally, hats off to Who for their ''free!'' magazine, ''Lose 5kgs Fast!'', with diet tips including Olivia Wilde's idea that the occasional enema marathon could help. ''Sometimes you feel like there's glue lining your insides,'' she said.
''A few days of washing everything out can make you feel better.'' Ewww.