Firstly, because I don’t actually own a hat.

Secondly, because I know nothing about swimming and my wish for her to win was based solely on me wanting her to answer critics with the ultimate come-back – gold in the pool.

Can you believe the flak she’s copped since unflattering photos of her were published last week?

Who are these ‘experts’ comparing her size to? An ironing board?

Speaking of experts, it seems everyone – including me – has become one since the Games began.

I can tell a pommel horse has no place in the equestrian events and when it comes to weightlifting, well, I’ve always been able to spot a jerk.

What I find a bit trickier to understand actually has nothing to do with sport.

It’s about the women’s diving outfits.

It’s about hungry bums.

And it’s about the fact that every team, regardless of nationality, appears to be populated solely by Brazilians, if you know what I mean.

People. Please.

Is this sport or a bikini girl competition at the local bar?

Is it just me?

Or are there other people out there sick of seeing women’s sport relegated to not much more than a spectacle of the bootylicious, buoyant and bouncy?

Just ask Leisel.

She may not have won gold, but the four-time Olympian did herself proud.

And that was before she even got in the pool.

See? I told you I was an expert.

Now I’m off to saddle up my pommel horse.

It must be dressage time.