EVERY so often I feel compelled to visit my local non-specific video store and take advantage of a special offer in order to bring you my B movie buffet.
The popcorn is ready and the sneeze guard has been removed. Let me watch the dross so that you don’t have to.
First up in this cavalcade of clunkers is Silent Hill: Revelation 3D, a sequel to the 2006 original which was based on the Konami video game. Starring unknown Australian actress Adelaide Clemens, the film also features appearances from returning stars of the original, Sean Bean, Radha Mitchell and Deborah Kara Unger. Ah, the power of contractual obligation.
The movie impressively adopts the nightmarish imagery of its source material. Abandoned hospitals, bizarre creatures, faceless scalpel wielding nurses ... they’re all here. Just like the video game, the film also has no discernible plot whatsoever.
The filmmakers really need to look up the meaning of revelation in the dictionary.
WWE superstar Mike “The Miz” Mizanin stars as the third incarnation of the titular character in The Marine: Homefront, a direct-to-DVD entry in the franchise from WWE Studios.
This reasonably new production company was established to showcase the acting talents of WWE wrestlers. Insert laughter here.
In the prologue, the film explains that US marines are trained to deal with any situation. After watching this unintentionally hilarious film, this obviously includes saving your sister from terrorists embarking on the dumbest scheme ever with flaws and assumptions big enough to drive a tank through.
Next up on the conveyer belt of cheese is Red Dawn. A remake of the 1984 original which starred the late Patrick Swayze, this teen action flick was actually made in 2009 but delayed due to MGM’s financial problems.
Prior to the film’s release last year, the remake’s villains were changed from a Chinese invading force to North Korean.
There’s a lot of money to be made at the box office in China compared to North Korea, you see. Aussies Chris Hemsworth and Isabel Lucas lead up the Wolverines, a rebel fighting force formed by some good looking teens who manage to escape the initial invasion.
In a ridiculous training montage, Hemsworth transforms the rag tag group into a tight military unit in a single day. Plot holes abound. How do the North Korean soldiers parachute into Spokane and then suddenly have tanks and jeeps? How do the Wolverines infiltrate the city to carry out their missions when everyone else appears to be locked down? Why do I care? My verdict: Tomorrow When the Bore Began.
Last up is the pick of the litter, although that’s not saying much. Here Comes the Boom stars Kevin James of The King of Queens fame.
He plays a biology teacher who becomes an MMA fighter in order to raise funds to save his school’s music program, run by The Fonz.
There are a few laughs to be had, and I must admit to rather enjoying seeing James, an incredibly annoying comic, get punched and kicked in the head.
A predictable ending leaves a saccharine taste in the mouth, and it’s no surprise that this lightweight sports comedy comes from Happy Madison Productions, Adam Sandler’s production company.